Let me continue with our conversations on values. This time, let us reflect on the genuine spirit of giving. Recently I had a conversation with my daughter about the importance of finding the right partner in life. I wondered why women are taking time today to get married. She proposed that getting married today for women is a MAJOR decision and they have to think long and hard before they plunge. The evidence, she says are in the many broken relationships and in worst cases women who work in the office during the day and then work the evening shift cooking and cleaning.
SHIFTING ROLES
We also explored the topic of how tough the times are for men in this millennium specially those who have difficulty finding work or keeping their jobs. We agreed that unless, they are able to shift their mindset and embrace the changes in roles they end up miserable. Traditionally in the agricultural and industrial eras, men provided the muscle and brawn to get things done. With the information and knowledge era, women’s dexterity and nurturing ways give them a clear edge in the work place.
One time, I was doing coaching for an executive of a leading business process outsourcing firm. I was waiting at the reception when a young man of 23 years old approached me. He asked if I was applying for a job. I asked him, why are there vacancies? He went on to tell me how in the night shift at least 5% of employees were older women. He went on to say how they are appreciated because they create a caring environment for young employees and even better, they act as informal counselors who give a listening ear to younger colleagues and mediate conflicts among them.
Ideally, married working couples would have to adjust to these new roles through their life cycles. Obviously, women are having an easier time. Recently, a friend of mine came home to the Philippines after struggling in the US through the economic meltdown. He mentioned that his wife worked two jobs to feed the family because he was let go from his job. He suspected it was because his pay was higher than the rest of the staff. It was difficult for him and he started to drink out of boredom and could not cope with “the loss of face” and “loss of confidence” in not being to play his traditional role as provider. Till one day, he woke up to the reality that he can come home and start all over again. Recently, he and his wife have found good jobs in the country.
In my view, what is important among married couples is deep conversation and communion in difficult situations when roles shift. When a man or woman loses the capability to earn, extreme tact and patience is required. Together they can deepen their relationships and discover that the difficult moments can in fact pull them together much closer. It demands a giving relationship that goes beyond the pesos one earns.
RIGHT WAY TO GIVE
Thinking more deeply of giving, what is the right way to give and to what extent to give? In our culture we continue to struggle. One of our virtues is hospitality but can this be abused? One time, we were talking about cultural dilemmas when an American executive asked, “I can not understand the seeming culture of dependency in some Filipino families”. He mentioned meeting a family where the husband and children with college degrees stopped working and simply depended on the income of the wife who was working overseas. He noticed this specially in rural areas where his family once vacationed. It made me think. I thought all the time our collectivist tendency was truly an asset so that even during difficult times children are able to go to school because richer family members extend a helping hand.
DEPENDENCY PHENOMENON
Now, how prevalent is this phenomenon of dependency today? We don’t have the research to back us up but a friend of mine who owns a rural bank says there are many cases, where the OFW comes home and is still is unable to repay the original loan used for the person to find an overseas job. All the earnings went into consumption of the immediate and extended family and almost nothing went to savings.
Often the OFW would relate the difficulties of working overseas and the insensitivity of the family to these challenges. Worse of all the extended family, not just the immediate family starts to look at the OFW as a source of soft loans that are never repaid. Obviously this is an abusive situation where the rights of the OFW are ignored and his desire for a better life for his family becomes an elusive dream.
How can we shift and balance this wonderful cultural trait so that it is practiced with utmost respect by both the giver and the receiver. The individual or family helped has to strive to get out of the culture of dependency by looking and finding a means of livelihood and continuous support. There are instances though where the family member is sick and can no longer work then the helping shoulder expenses the “bayanihan” way among able members which is truly admirable.
TRUE GIVING
Prolonged dependency comes close to exploitation. A very interesting view comes from Luigino Bruni an Italian economist who talks of the phenomenon, that the beneficiary who depend on someone for long periods, get to resent or even get jealous of the benefactor in the long run as they realize their dependency. He cites that the spirit of true giving has to be marked with “reciprocity and solidarity” between the giver and the receiver. Giving is confined mainly to address specific and immediate needs. It should not generate dependency. In our culture this is easier said than done.
Recently, I noticed a campaign being undertaken in our village to give to “organized charity rather than to syndicates”. The direction is to encourage residents not to give to people who beg using toddlers and very young people. In these cases the best way to help is not to give. True giving is relationship centric, where giver and receiver build a true relationship of trust. It means helping the receiver by empowering him or her to move out of dependency. This means giving is not simply to assuage one’s conscience but is marked by genuine concern and compassion.
In the work place the same principle applies. The exchange may not be in cash but comes in the form of coaching or training. True giving means helping people achieve personal and professional development. It is the ability to grow in different stages of maturity starting from telling to eventual delegation of work.
[Tita Datu Puangco is President and CEO of Ancilla Enterprise Development Consulting, an innovative provider of Organization Development and Training solutions in the ASEAN region. These solutions include strategy development and execution, managing change breakthroughs, brand management, innovation and human resource systems. For your letters/ feedback, kindly email: tita.datu76@gmail.com, For other inquiries, please call 8810-3129/0920-9218332/0917-8348176]
